My Matroyshka Doll

My Matryoshka Doll

матрешка

For many, the Russian nesting doll, or the Matryoshka doll has become synonymous as the perfect souvenier to bring home anytime you live in Russia or even visit here for that matter. They all have their own unique bits of course. They are not unlike people in that way really. As I have begun to settle in more and more, I have started to wonder what my Matryoshka doll may look like now. 

How easily they seem to come apart bit by bit. Each one slightly different than the last. Some becoming much stronger until you reach the core of the doll. The tiniest and the smallest of them all. 

My Matryoshka was built long before leaving for an expat life. I knew then I had many layers, the outermost was the most fragile, full of insecurities that were not always pretty. They were special and unique of course but there was not a great deal of substance. The important thing about them though was the simple fact that they protected so much that was inside of me. Over time, a few friends and colleagues would reach various levels of my Matryoshka doll. The ones that were a bit more vibrant and a bit more bold with a good wit and sense of herself. Age plays a role in that I must admit as does experience. 

A select few ever reached me at my most inner core. That is where the beauty truly lies. That last little doll is the smallest, the most simple in design, but the sturdiest. In my opinion, it is the very heart and soul of what a person is. What they believe. Small but mighty and beautiful in its simplicity. That little one might peek her head out once in awhile but so few can draw her out for any length of time as she is completely vulnerable.

I cannot pretend that I have faith or trust in very many with my deepest hurts and greatest moments of joy. Here in Russia, I am slowly seeing that there is beauty in each layer a person has. They are all unique and perfectly imperfect. 

Yet in the end, all of the layers serve a very important purpose. They protect yet enhance the very center of the Matryoshka. Just like the core of a true person living in faith. 

I am still trying to get down to that very core of myself in this new world. I am trying to find those I trust enough to see me at my strongest and at my most vulnerable and still see the beauty that lies in my heart. All the beauty on the outside means nothing without the strength that lies within. 

I just hope that we all begin to value our own Matryoshka. I pray we become diligent in who we take our layers down for and to also watch the same vulnerability in those around us. Simple can be beautiful and powerful. So if you ever receive one as a gift, may it remind you of how beautiful you are at the very core. The rest is cosmetic and can come or go as it pleases if you let it. There is no shame in that. 

The question remains though. Do you have what it takes to see through the layers to the very core of another? Will you ever know that someone who is willing to be that vulnerable with you is a sister or brother you should keep for life? The fear is real but so is the most beautiful of rewards. It is a great reminder to be brave. The core of who you really are can withstand much more than you think if you are willing to take the risk. 

Welcome to Russia 2017. Full of new observations. The tough ones and the ones that are deceptively simple. 

An End is a Beginning

It is a new beginning in so many ways that I still cannot wrap my head around it all. So I plan to continue on as I did before. I am anxious and excited at starting this next chapter of my life in Russia but not without this important observation. I had the honor of living in South Korea for six years of my life. I was truly blessed by experiences and more importantly by the people I met there. It is and always will be my second home. So why leave? If I love it so, why should I risk it all for another job?

In my heart I was called to move on. That is and was the only reason I would have ever walked away. Seven months of my life were spent in a sort of limbo with no idea what I would be doing or where I would go. It was then that I received a call from Russia. Russia really? It is cold there. It was once the Soviet Union and the sworn enemy of the United States. It is corrupt. It is dangerous.

Yes Russia. Through all of the ups and downs of getting here, I would still accept this offer in Kazan. I haven't even started classes yet but I would do this again. It is through these words that I hope to share that regardless of the history of any country people are still people. I have been to several parts of this world now to know that much. Instead of fearing a country or a culture, why don't we learn about them? Why don't we learn more about ourselves? I promise that we are all far more similar than we are different. I have the privilege to teach students across the globe. I may have a very successful time here or I may not, but I will still learn about people and about myself.

I often wonder if many actually know what it feels like to uproot your life and go to a truly foreign land. To be immersed in a culture that you do not know. A language you cannot understand. The constant tug at staying true to who you are and yet being open to people and experiences that will change how you look at and feel about every part of your life. Each day is mind blowing doing the simplest of things. What is easy to accomplish in daily life in America can become an epic feat in another country.

Yes this is an end. A heart-wrenching end to one chapter of my life. I will never shut the door on my second home in Korea. I will continue the lifelong friendships with those that are there or who have already been taken to other parts of the world. I will set foot there sooner than later again and do so with a smile because I love it.

Now it is a new beginning though. A time in Russia that I can only hope will become equally as special. A place where I am still free to ask questions about customs and have conversations that will enlighten me and inspire me. Not one part of this will be easy and I know that. I have done this before. If I was not scared, I would be lying. If I did not have faith I would have no hope of succeeding. If I did not have friends and family supporting me I would be a shell of the person I could possibly become.

As I begin this chapter all I can do is encourage others to do one thing first. Do not look at the name of the country and assume you know everything about the people that dwell there. Take the time and look at all sides, talk to others, and just listen. Isn't that what you would hope others would do for you?

Another Type of Hero

When I decided to be a teacher it was pictures like this Norman Rockwell portrait that made me think that I was going to be a part of a great calling. The majority of my teachers cared and nurtured me for my entire life. Some pushed and encouraged me to levels I never though I could reach.
Now I am what would be considered a long term member of the teaching profession.
From my first year to now my 18th year I never that this would be a profession that would become life threatening.

Those of you who know me understand that I am not a fool. There has been a long and steady decline in the respect that the education profession has been given. In ways, we learned that we must be a little less caring. No more hugs if a child needs it. Don't sit and talk in a room with a student having trouble with the door closed....lawsuit, lawsuit, lawsuit. Don't expect any more respect or money for that matter for making a difference in the life a child.
Through all of this, educators became less nurturing and took on more and more new regulations handed down by others that we must make sure that these students pass this test and that test and we are penalized in our profession if we do not get the job done.

With this most recent shooting in Oregon, I finally realized that teachers now go to school to do the best they can, to care for children even at arms length, with no guarantee that they themselves will return home to their families each night because someone decides it is judgement day in a classroom.
I am watching all of this from a country that does not have a law giving individuals the right to carry their own weapons but the leader to the north threatens the lives of everyone around me nearly every single day. Who is more at risk? Seriously?

I am deeply thankful and indebted to our armed forces, police, fire, paramedics, doctors, nurses, and all those I cannot name right now. They are heroes in their fields but now I think that there needs to be a new member added to ranks and not for the right reasons but for all of the gut-wrenchingly wrong ones. I think teachers should be right up there as heroes now as well. I feel more convicted of that than ever, especially in the USA.

Teachers now risk their lives to go to work and do the job they were hired to do. I don't think there will ever be a teachers memorial on the Washington Mall that will honor those who have lost their lives tragically in all of these school shootings. But there is not one teacher that I know of that would not willingly place themselves directly in front of anyone threatening violence towards their students. If that isn't a hero then I really do not know what one is.

So tonight I just say my prayers for all the victims and their families but I also send strength and love to all of my teachers past and present and all those who I know in the teaching profession for the week ahead. Stay safe. Stay strong. Love the children beyond all of the political bull. Return to your families every night. You are heroes to me.

Oh Norman Rockwell what your paintings look like if you had lived long enough to see all that I have now seen in this profession.

I wonder.

We Are F-R-A-M-I-L-Y

Time to send up a big part of my heart tonight.

I am not going to lie. Coming back to Korea for year five has been really difficult. It is a home in so many ways but it isn't Idaho. I go back to Idaho and it is home in so many ways but never is as it once was before I left. I am not saying that is a bad thing. I also don't always agree with the adage "Home is where you hang your hat" either.

For me home is where you are loved for the person you are, in the place that you are, doing something that enriches your soul. It is not a physical space on a map it is inside your heart. If that is really true, if I subscribe to that theory, then what makes home truly home to me?

Easy.

The people. The people in my life make anywhere in the world my home. As we become socially more introversive and turn to every electronic gadget known to human kind, our family dynamic changes as well. It has to because of time and distance. Socially gatherings at the local dance hall every Friday night, meeting your significant other at the top spot for food or a cold drink doesn't happen much except in the movies. Because of this, enlarging your family in the more old fashioned way is becoming harder and harder to do. It is to the point that seeing someone find a great relationship to be a part of and get married and start a family is truly a rare gem of an experience to witness. So I can watch my time on this earth slip away or I can redefine a critical aspect of it. Let's define shall we?  What was once my family has become my framily. My blood relatives will always be at the core of my life but my friends are as much a part of who I am today as anyone I could be biologically linked to.

Maybe it is a midlife crisis talking. Maybe it is the fear that I will be alone the remainder of my life in the more traditional sense.  Who really knows the reason, but I am putting it out there that my true friends are now a large part of what I define as my family. The amazing part of this is it makes my life so rich globally. I can find framily across the world now. I can know that when I am in need of a bit of wisdom or encouragement it is out there in so many different time zonesI can hardly count them all. I will not have to grow old alone anymore. Someone will care. They may not be on the same continent that I am on but someone will care.

But I am not a fool in this declaration. This is not the yellow brick road leading to all things perfect. Framilies have the same intricacies as any family does. They fight. There can be jealousy. They hurt intentionally or unintentionally. They don't play well with others in the framily unit. They take physically, emotionally, and even spiritually at times. They also laugh with you and share in your confidences, joys, and sorrows. They hope for the best for you even if that means letting go of you for months or years at a time. They love unconditionally. They will sacrifice for you when you need them the most. Just as with any family though, the hardest part of being in a framily is that sometimes they just leave. Even harder still, you have to let them go. With that comes grief just like in any other form of relationship.

Knowing the positives and negatives of what a framily has to offer, I wouldn't change it. In fact I think it is a concept that is growing more and more each day. I am just dang lucky I have what I have now. It is often said that you can count your true friends on one hand. That may still hold true. But now my true friends, my framily, just happen to live around the world. Whether it is tomorrow or two years from now, if I reach out to them the will still love me for who I am and we will keep making memories and supporting each other as if no time has passed at all.

How awesome is that? Seriously. That is really freakin' awesome! The rhetoric of the media these days commonly asks us to rethink our definition on many different, highly charged emotional, moral, and sometimes just plain ridiculous issues. Sometimes it is just to win favor for their way of thinking.

I am not asking any of you who read this to rethink what family and home mean to you. I am just saying that for me, the landscape looks different and I am content in the fact that I know I am going to be okay no matter where I end up in the world. For me it is infinitely more valuable to invest in such a caring community of friends. Each are perfectly imperfect just like me.

Framily Rules.

Blessings

A word that has become a huge part of my vocabulary in the past few years is the word Blessing.

I hear it or use it in various situations. 

"What a blessing that is."

"You are blessed"

"I feel blessed"

"Bless you for that"

This word. This word is used so much that I wanted to really find out what the difference is between a blessing or being blessed and just having good luck or being just a happy person is. Am I using it in the right conotation? Should I be using another phrase?

So as with any of these sorts of questions, I look to good old Miriam-Webster for my answers. I even backed up my information with a few other dictionary sources. The first thing I stumbled upon is that the word blessing can be used in so many ways it is hard to wrap my head around.

This word can glorify, it can bestow good of any kind, it can be a request to God for divine favor upon something, it can even condemn. Some of my favorite definitions involved the bestowing of a gift or favor by God upon a person. It can be an invocation of God's blessing upon another. It can bring about praise, devotion, worship, approval, and happiness among other things.

That is an awful lot to live up to for one word in the English vernacular. What I am choosing to take away from this, as I hope others may as well, is that the word blessing has great power to do good verses harm. I have learned that it is okay to use it but truly only if I mean it. A blessing or blessing others should be done in good faith and with good intentions. It should not be a cast aside flippant response. We have plenty of other words for something like that. Telling someone that I feel so blessed that they are in my life has so much more weight to it. It carries part of my heart and my true intentions whether I say it out loud or write it down.

So if I have ever told any of you that you are a blessing in my life, know that I really meant it. You are someone that has brought happiness to my life and I want to return that favor upon you.
When it all comes out in the wash, I guess it is just important to remind ourselves that words have a much greater impact than we give them credit for at times. I often hear parents say "use your words" as their young children are developing the use of language. We as adults should use our words but also be conscientious of the words we are using.

With a word like blessing make sure you mean it. That one needs to come from the spirit in your heart. If you have ever been told you are a blessing, accept that compliment with grace and dignity it deserves. Somebody really cares for you.

2 Score

Within a week I will have reached the 2 score mark in age. It hardly seems possible really when I feel like the longer I am on the planet and the more I learn, the less I really really know.
One thing I do know for certain is that if you would have told me even 20 years ago that I was going to be teaching in Korea I would have shook my head and laughed at the utter nonsense of the the thought.
My goal was always to teach in my hometown. To follow my mentors and give back what was given to me. To make my family proud and to become a caring and quality educator. I never was the best in class at anything but I knew how to try really hard and I figured that if I tried really hard at teaching then something good would come out of it. Nope, I was going to stay where my roots where so firmly planted until the end of my days.
Well fast forward to my life now. Do I regret it? No. Will I ever be able to go back to that dream I had all those years ago? No. Do I want to? I don't know. This was not the life that was ever modled for me and yet here I am planning travel to at least 3 different destinations in the next 9 months. Where are the roots that are so firmly planted four generations deep now?
I have selfishly given up a lot of things in my life for this opportunity but now I cannot imagine changing it. Except now I wonder. I wonder of course what tomorrow brings like most of us. Even more so I wonder what will happen in the next 2 score of my life if I am that lucky. Where will I be. What will I be doing. Will anybody be by my side? All fantastic and curious questions now. There will be love and loss. Friendships that come and go. But I will not be able to look back on my life and say that I haven't done something. Being an educator, no matter where you are is doing something.
If nothing else, I don't want to have set plans for my next 2 score years. I want to live them regrets and all. I want to feel young on the inside even if I am old on the outside.
Mr. Lincoln started one of the most influential and shortest speeches of his presidency with the words "Four score and seven years ago...." I just see more and more that I have a great deal yet to complete if I am lucky to make it to that age myself. When you are almost halfway there you come to realize that you best keep moving because there is a lot of living yet to be done.
With that...here is to my next score of years. Hopefully they are well lived and full of stories to share.

On the Road Again....

I am well aware that this is not the first blog I have written about the driving in Korea. It is just hard to put to rest such a risky and ridiculous topic. Sometimes when I get in my little three cylinder red Minion mobile,  I feel as thought I should where are crash helmet and pin my insurance information to my shirt for easy identification. It is at these times that I realize the true adventure awaits. I am not alone in the venture. The Facebook group "The Wild Bunch: Waygook Drivers in Korea" proves that.

It is, however, a tiny leap of faith to get out on the roads here and drive. No longer are there opportunities to just get out on a road and travel for miles only to turn around and come back when you have worked through whatever thoughts that plague the day or the night. Nearly every road here leads to an expressway or an alleyway that does not have a predicted ending. Your navigation app is a mixture of Korean and English and at best can get you in the general direction but not necessarily a precise destination. Everything is in kilometers verses miles and your sense of distance has to completely change.
It is in these moments that you have to surrender to what is around you in order to survive.  Somehow by being more aggressive and less apologetic you can make it to your destination in a fairly reasonable time.
I now have an all new set of driving skills that might come in handy in Fast and Furious 57. Of course I need a little more impressive car with a much better engine but there is always time for upgrades.

For instance, there is no such thing as two lanes. There are as many lanes as needed for an off ramp. It is merely an issue of survival of the fittest, or the smallest in my case.
Sometimes you have to ignore what is in the rearview mirror and embrace the delicate balance between gas pedal and brake. Yes it is reckless by all standards or drivers ed but the bottom line is if you do not get a little proactive in these situations you will not get anywhere.
So really what difference is there between driving in Korea these days and driving through life? First of all it is a period of time. Just like any road journey. It can be exciting, frustrating, relaxing, and jaw-dropping all rolled into one. Sometimes you have to step on the brake and honk your horn out of frustration and also fear that your journey might come to a quick and sudden end. At other times you have to set your sights forward and press through a maze of complications you could not see or understand, knowing that there is space for you if you are determined.
 Make sure that you say your sorry if you get in

the way of someone else's journey. Did you know that if you put your hazard lights on for a quick second that means "I'm sorry" in Korea? Now that I know the best way to apologize I use it often. Many times you will hit roadsigns in life that look like the one to the left. Even though they mean to help guide you in the right direction they often confuse you instead. Sometimes you will have to take a trip through the roundabout more than once to decide which path is the right one for you. And finally, it doesn't really matter what road you take or how long the journey as long as you have the courage to step out your front door. If you never get behind the wheel and drive you never know what is in store for you. It will be stressful, it will be full of waiting and watching and last minute judgement calls. You will make u-turns and miss red lights and get lost in the moment wondering how to get from one off ramp to the next but that is really the point right? You will reach your destination eventually but not always in the straight line you predicted and definitely not in the time you expected.

Just get to the end of your journey. You have friends and family waiting for you. They great ones will be there as long as needed to see you through. So don't worry about the road less traveled, just travel the road in the first place.