When Do You Know

It's May.
I am tired.
It's the end of the year and all of these things are part of the reason why this may be one of the crazy reason I am giving this blog any attention but I must let these words out. Just out without someone interjecting and giving their thoughts on who I am and what I am and what people see.

For me I am for the first time truly contemplating is it time for me to move from the country I call my second home. I feel like I am down more than I am up and I feel the depreciation through misguided thoughts and ideas of others. I also see that I am caring too much about what others are thinking and that gives them a power they DO NOT deserve. Once that begins then the life I have set out for myself dies. Can it be resurrected, yes. The question is do I want it to.

I feel so very stuck in the middle now. This career I have chosen. It has given me so many highs and lows but there is not another job out there that I have any sort of degree for. I haven't ever really stopped and asked myself what I want to do with my life. I know what sort of things I want for my life. Things that I somehow think will make it feel better but that does not change what my heart wants. For now I don't know what would truly make me happy.

There are many little things that I would love to fix in the present. To put a band aide on now and know it will be okay for a little longer. I have met some truly genuine people here, both the good and the bad, but mostly the good. I want so much to see where there lives are going to now take them and what is in store for them but I feel just like when you put your feet in the sand at the edge of the ocean and how as you watch the tide go out you feel like the ocean is taking from you. That has always been a calming thing to me. I want the ocean to take that which hurts me and help me forget for awhile. But now that feeling is in my day to day life. That this place is being pulled from me. That it is not on this shore that I am meant to stay. Such a very scary place to be.

The thought of leaving love and some anger which will always be there. The thought of having no job prospect and not having any idea what my future holds is also terrifying. You really do have to give it up to God and trust you will not fall all the way down.

I just wish there was a sure sign. A compass to guide me right now. This time of year is not the time to make such a decision. It can't be with all that encompasses your life at the end of a year. I built myself here. I built a life here. Am I really ready to leave it based on some unhappy times at school or do I stick with it and see if there is hope of redemption in my soul because this school is so special and there are things that can be done here that you cannot find anywhere else.
Those that have gone before me in these decisions never seemed scared or unsure. They just jumped. That was it. But my Korean friends. My sweet Korean friends who I have worked so hard to be part of. Living vicariously through their lives does not constitute living my own life.
The drama, the paranoia, the parts of the teaching culture that have always been there will remain no matter where I go. Such a big decision and I feel like if I could have erased a few words, changed my mind, done one thing different maybe I wouldn't feel this way but on the other hand maybe this is exactly what I have to feel.

My life will never be the same. Living in another country makes that a fact. You never will be what you once were. So don't try. My only hope and saving grace right now is that these next three weeks find some resolution, common ground and a little hope for the year to come for there is at least one more year in this country for me. But at some point I have to get selfish and make it about me.